And he does

I want to be stronger. For me. For him. For us. I want to be able to let go of my grip. 

I’m suffocating us both. Petulant and helpless. I’m sabotaging the best thing in my life in slow motion. 

Chipping away at the strength of the bond. 

It’s killing me, my heart feels like a blister that you can’t help but dig your nail into to watch it burst. I feel like a failure, his failure, a failure to my own ideals. I didn’t know love would have so much fear of loss. I didn’t know I’d be in the doorframe,  unsure to walk in or out. 

Big and messy emotions stream through my core, pour out my eyes, dripping aimlessly, like they’ve lost their way home.

I feel like he will never understand what this feels like. What does this feel like? 

Why does it make no sense at all... Why am I always so afraid of desire? 

I can feel him deflating in front of me. I don’t know what to do sometimes. 

How did I end up here? Why can’t I find my love here? Where is my peace here? 

So very difficult to understand myself when it comes to this. I feel like a baby, I just need comfort and support. 

I hate hearing that I’m always going to be this way, when this way is in love. 

I am so disappointed in myself. Everything hurts. I wish I could untangle myself so I could feel better. And my love could feel better. He just wants to be loved and cared for and adored. And he deserves it all. 

Do I deserve him? I don’t know at this point. I feel like I’ve let him down to the point beyond recovery sometimes. I am determined to live a happy life with someone who loves and cares for me. And he does 

Drones

Drones

Monday Morning, Work

Busy like bees in a hive

Honeycomb not owned

I’m Not An Astronaut

I’m Not An Astronaut

I like my feet planted in the sand,

Or the soil

Hot hot hot, run to the mean tide line

Or cooooool, feel the wetness between my toes.

I like my lungs to grasp at the air,

Transparent but full of life.

I like my eyes to gaze at the sky,

Like the stars are just holes we’ve poked in a dark dome,

But never once have I wished to leave our Mother

For space suits & silent weightlessness,

Searching out there for what can only be fixed down here,

Under our feet,

Rooted in life.

Wading In the Water

Walking in solitude, I was longing
And there you appeared, a message in a bottle
Floating towards the shoreline
I'd spotted you from 10 feet out
Amongst the floating pollution
Now I've gotten to read your messages
I'm reading your words out your notebook now
The one that you rarely show anyone because
Well, they would just judge
You're always going on about how they annoy you
But the pages I'm writing on you can make you smile

Broad and confident, lobe to lobe even,
The gift of the word, the gift of instruction,
Is precisely why we write each other letters at all,
And I love receiving yours

You envelop my frame until I'm so close
The glitter I can't wipe off your skin
Sometimes we are too busy
Trudging through the sand dunes of despair
To recognize the reflection of the light
Between two crests in the sea,
Through the tide,
I found you

Static on the Radio

I haven't talked to you all day.

Isn't this what the 21st century is FOR?

Questions I think about asking you all day

1) how is your day

2)

I have a wide gaze

There is static on the radio

Chest

Stretch the body & the mind will follow,
That's what I heard.

Breathing is so much harder when it's intentional breath
Didn't they tell us it's one of our vital signs
A beat, a rhythm to life

When we hold our breath we desecrate time
We claim it as our own experience
Rather than our flight through the galaxy

Onward, ticks the clock,
Onward says the chest

My self mastery feels like a far dream when I analyze my breath
Not good at measuring, or controlling it
My mind moves my tongue warp speed
But my breath falls behind

Even the pen glides with rapidity
But where is my breath? My presence?

My heart and lungs convene to project my personhood
My breasts intimidate in all their wild freedom
Watch out now,
I have arrived

Good Morning Earth

Good Morning Earth
Deer footsteps greeted me
Harmony in the birds
The trees whispered, then rattled
I am home
& Nothing could pull me away.

From the way the bees dance,
I learn everything

They say the soil is clay here,
arid and untenable for crop
But when I look out at the landscape
I see the entire strength of the forest,
rooted in life.

The moon and the sun can exist in
One Sky
The keeper of everything
Let's go of it all

I am just one being in a space so entirely filled
With the glory and wholeness
Of ecology
Circles, circulating, turning over anew

Decay creates the conditions for life
And I want her over & over again
Good Morning Earth