I want to be stronger. For me. For him. For us. I want to be able to let go of my grip.
I’m suffocating us both. Petulant and helpless. I’m sabotaging the best thing in my life in slow motion.
Chipping away at the strength of the bond.
It’s killing me, my heart feels like a blister that you can’t help but dig your nail into to watch it burst. I feel like a failure, his failure, a failure to my own ideals. I didn’t know love would have so much fear of loss. I didn’t know I’d be in the doorframe, unsure to walk in or out.
Big and messy emotions stream through my core, pour out my eyes, dripping aimlessly, like they’ve lost their way home.
I feel like he will never understand what this feels like. What does this feel like?
Why does it make no sense at all... Why am I always so afraid of desire?
I can feel him deflating in front of me. I don’t know what to do sometimes.
How did I end up here? Why can’t I find my love here? Where is my peace here?
So very difficult to understand myself when it comes to this. I feel like a baby, I just need comfort and support.
I hate hearing that I’m always going to be this way, when this way is in love.
I am so disappointed in myself. Everything hurts. I wish I could untangle myself so I could feel better. And my love could feel better. He just wants to be loved and cared for and adored. And he deserves it all.
Do I deserve him? I don’t know at this point. I feel like I’ve let him down to the point beyond recovery sometimes. I am determined to live a happy life with someone who loves and cares for me. And he does
